Sunday, August 31, 2008

My obsessions and creating.

Have you ever wondered what makes people do what it is they do????

Well Here is a bit about my dark side that makes me always stay busy. If I'm not making jewelry you can bet I'm making something. I'm not one to sit around and enjoy a good long read as in days gone by. I have been awake since early morning. Awoken by the sound of sirens racing past my house. Was it real? I think not. This happens far to often.

I have Obsessive, compulsive disorder, not the kind where you do things over and over again, but the kind that causes me to live in fear of something bad happening to one of my children.

My daughter Tara and her brother Jason went out on the town to what I think was a music festival last night(Tara just moved back home after being on her own for the last year) and I fell asleep before they got home. Which was probably early this I'm sure they had a wonderful time. Although I lay restless with the t.v. turned way to loud, the fan blowing on high, anything to block out noise from the outside world. I didn't want to hear the sound of the sirens racing down the road to what may be an accident that my children could be involved in. Crazy I know, but me.

I think it began several years ago when I was watching the late night news and waiting for my friend to return home as I was babysitting for her son.

On the news was an accident that showed very accurate pictures of a red car that had been involved in a head on collision and two people had been killed. I new at that moment my older brother Dan and his girlfriend Sue had been killed in the accident. I said a prayer and spent the next several hours waiting for a phone call. Well at long last the phone rang and it was my Mother sobbing, a man got on the phone and spoke the dreaded words and said he would stay with my Mother until I could get there to be with her.

I have learned for the most part how to control my fears and have learned that this is irrational thinking on my part. However the panic attacks still seem to creep up on me. My heart races, my body turns cold and I can feel the tingling throughout my body all the way to my toes as my arms go numb. I drive my daughter crazy, calling her at least once a day. She always answers the phone with a cheerful " Hi Mom, what's up? When I say oh nothing just wanted to know where your at. She then says MOM, I'm fine, what happened did an ambulance go by? You need to stop this!!!! It really does drive her crazy. It's just that dreaded thought that sneaks up on me at any given moment of any day when I least expect it. Keeping busy seems to keep panic attacks at bay so to speak.

But you know we all have our babies to love and protect them. I thought when she was grown the hardest part would be over but it really is not. Once your children are grown, you no longer have the control you thought you once had.

I sent my daughter into the world as a young adult with a set of good values and self worth. So innocent and she still is but she has definitely become her own person. I am very proud of her even when she calls me to say" Mom guess what I'm getting my lip pierced!!" I said No don't do it, please. Well she did and now I have adjusted to her new look and yes she is still beautiful.

Last week she informed me after being home just a few days that she was on her way to get her first tattoo!!! Well not only did she get one but she got two. I told her then, "Your Dad is going to have a fit!!" Blame it on the dad ya know. The tattoos did turn out quite nice and I do like them. And like my mom said, Well at least she can cover them up if she wants to.

She occasionally will go to a party, smoke a cigarette and have a drink. Do I like it? no not really. Can I stop it? No not really. What I can do is remind her of the laws and the cost and effect kind of things and continue to guide her to make wise choices, and thankfully she really does.

Do I think something bad will happen to her? or one of my other children? I pray not. But you know, Life is like the blink of an eye. It was only a few short days ago I was holding her in my arms and rocking her to sleep at night.

I have three other daughters much younger than her, and for now I am in control of where they go and what they do. And I like it this way the best. In two short days they will be going to school and I will miss them dearly. I will be very busy passing these days until spring returns and summer is here again and I can keep them tucked safely under my wings. I of course will still have my little Morgan home with me and this will be a blessing to just be able to spend one on one time with her.

Any how in the meantime I will continue to keep my self busy in peaceful and pleasing ways, creating whatever it is that comes to mind and occupying my time in a positive and productive way. Praying for peace and protection to my children from the harms that have fallen upon so many others in this world we live in. And remind myself that all is in God's hands as it should be and that he will never allow me to deal with more than I can handle. Through him we can all be strong and find peace.

Included today are a few photo's of other ways I keep myself busy other than my jewelry making. I am currently working on a third set of fingerless gloves, hats and scarfs to keep my little ones warm this coming fall and winter while waiting at the bus stop. I hope if nothing else from today's entry you at least enjoy the pictures.

I have taught myself to crochet and I love to paint. The painting is a small portion of what once was an entire wall mural on my daughters bedroom walls. We created a story wall. At night we would tell bedtime stories and the next day I would add an element from the story to our painted wall. The wood burning is on rough lumber from a saw mill nearby and I do these free hand with a hot iron. I also love to paint on this wood, and my husband often in the winter months builds using the planed lengths of wood. He built the adorable cradle for my daughter Morgan and several pieces of our furniture. The last photo of course is of my daughters back and her not one but two tattoos that she is so in love with. And I do like them too, I just hope they don't get infected. LOL That part of me that worries again.

I hope you all have a great labor day and if you'd like to see some of my newly added jewelry, feel free to visit my Etsy shop. Just follow the Etsy mini and take a look. I'll be back in a few days to show off some new items as I'll have lots of time on my hands and will be busy making new items to both sell and for myself. I have some beautiful new carved wood beads sent to me from a dear Friend at Rough Magic Creations. Take a minute and visit there Etsy shop. They make beautiful handcrafted one of a kind jewelry using their own hand carved wooden beads and copper wire work. I can't wait to make something for myself using the beads they gifted to me. They are going to be stunning with my copper work.

Have a great day and remember if you have little ones. Love them and treasure them while you can for before you know it they will be grown and fly from your nest. Blessings. Deedee


Angie Kelly Designs said...

Hi Deedee!
Bless your heart. Really. I don't have children, so I can only imagine what you go through. I do know, however, that you're not alone in feeling that way about your kids. I think every parent feels that way. On the other hand, like you said, you've done your job--raising them--and have instilled in them values and the knowledge of right and wrong. All you can do is leave it in Gods hands. I felt the same way about my nephew when he was first born. He was the first grandbaby ,nephew,son, etc., and I was really afraid there for a while for my brother and his wife and my precious little angel.

Over time it got better and I don't worry nearly as much as I used to. He belongs to God first and foremost. As do your beautiful girls. Doing what you do--staying busy--sound like the right medicine. That and prayer!

I had to chuckle about the OCD. My best friend has OCD--the "other" kind, where she does things over and over. Actually hers is more centered around organization. She loves to "straighten" things. Very entertaining! {note to self...get her over to your house, lol}

I pray you'll find some peace DeeDee! Have a wonderful week!

All the best,

p.s. I "nominated* you on my blog. I really do ♥ your blog! :o)

Carol said...

DeeDee...All we can do is raise them and give them wings that they might fly on their own. And yes....we will always always worry. After all...they are our babies, no matter what their age. Very nice post!! I enjoy your writing immensely.